Coming clean

I know, I know. I’ve been away for a bit. And even when I do post, I’m beating around a topic. Well, no more.

I wrote this awesome post (by the same title) but it didn’t get posted. I know what you’re thinking– oh man, she wrote a great post and then the computer crashed before it could be saved and something amazing was lost!. Well no, not exactly. It didn’t get posted because it didn’t tell the story… The truth… The way it needed to. So I saved that as a draft, to have for myself, and I’m starting again- quick, simple, to the point, and staying just what I need to.

Basically, through no fault of one individual or the other… But through the fault of lost communication, jealousy, misplaced support, and untrue facades… My relationship with someone very dear to me ended… Abruptly.

3 months ago I was left alone and nearly homeless, but through more luck and good will then I deserve, I got through it. Through the physical struggle anyway. In 15 days I secured a second job (more later) and a new apartment. With the support of friends and co-workers I got moved and settled.

I am resilient. Like a crocuses pushing back through the ice still lingering in early spring.

But am I happy? On the outside it would seem so. I look great and can eat again. I work and workout daily. I smile. But I still feel alone. I feel guilty. If one could go back- be who I really am instead of trying to be some version of a “perfect”, fashionable, working, un-spontaneous me- I would. Cause her, the real me, the one I see everyday, is who he loved (at least, I think so).

This has brought out a lot in me. I felt completely broken apart, but rebuilding with stronger material everyday.

So are you seeing anyone now?
My answer: Hell NO.
If I’m wasting time and money, it’s gonna be on me myself and I. Not someone I have no interest in. Cause I know I’ve met my match.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, to blame or bad mouth anyone, to beg forgiveness, or for the whole this to just be a bad dream and be fixed next week.
I’m writing this to be honest. To get these feeling and words off my chest and out of my head. I don’t love using this blog as a personal diary, but if I’m going to be writing about life, adventures, fitness, and New York City… Well you should know where I’m coming from. What’s motivating me.

So I leave you, on this rainy Monday night in NYC, with this–
Always say I love you and mean it.
Communicate with those you love and support them where they need it.
Be attentive.

But mostly, be true to yourself.
Forgive. Even if you are not forgiven in return.

I’m sorry.

And

20140714-234056-85256768.jpg

For everything ❤️

Goodnight

Christiane

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