Emaciated

verb ema·ci·ate \i-ˈmā-shē-ˌāt\
ema·ci·at·edema·ci·at·ing
Definition of EMACIATE

intransitive verb
: to waste away physically
transitive verb
1
: to cause to lose flesh so as to become very thin <cattle emaciated by illness>
2
: to make feeble


What a word.  Emaciate.  Sad and sinister at the same time.  The definition above from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

This word found its way into my life well before I understood it, in the opening lines of an emotionally charged summer theater work.  It wasn’t my line, I just heard it.  It was my scene, I didn’t understand it.

It’s amazing, the power of words.  How words spoken or read can stay with you, reminding you of good, bad, happy, or sad times.  Words can stink or pull at heart-strings and words can guide or uplift, inspire and destroy.

Emaciated

It wasn’t until very recently that I saw this word come to life.  In a picture.  Tall skinny body, always on the thin side but that was once commanding and muscular now gaunt.  Hollow face set apart by protruding cheek bones, no longer rosy.  Deep set eyes that once sparkled with nerve and adventure from under a distinguished brow line, now encircled by darkness.  Ghostly.

Can you see this face?  I see it clear as day.  It haunts and hurts.


Is it possible to feel emaciated?  Cause I think I have before.  Maybe it’s other feeling that drive it and you fall away, into the shadows of yourself wasting away.  Becoming consumed with what went wrong and how you should have done thing differently to avoid this place.

You sink further.
And further still till you are riddled with memories and words and images that you can’t let go of.
Until you do.
Until you decide you won’t let yourself be eaten by the darkness that is this fear and anger.  You find a way.  Me?  I run.  I run long and hard and I don’t look back.
At least I didn’t.  Back to the power of words?  One text.  A few words.  One text from one name and that Pandoras box you locked and hid under a floor board under your bed opens and all those shadows come bursting forth with fury a thousand times stronger then before.  Angered for being overcome by the present and powerful thoughts and actions.
I fell.
I fell back into that dark place.  So easily.  Like returning to an addiction, it takes control so much faster the second time.  How easy it is to fall back.
Then you become feeble, handicapped, emaciated.  Because your feelings consume you.  You forget to take care of yourself.  You don’t sleep.  Can’t eat.  Can you get out of this shadowy abyss again?

A picture is worth a thousand words.  That’s a powerful picture if one little word can pack such a punch.

One powerful words perfectly wraps up one image and it scares me.
What has happened to that charming face and powerful being?
What will happen to me the next time those shadows re-emerge from the dark?

I told you it’d be thought provoking…

lovealways, Christiane

A Mild Monday Morning

That’s what it is here in New York today.  The humidity and threat of summer already beginning to make itself known.  But for now it’s still that special breed of morning cool, dew, and light.

And it’s just 10am.

Are you sick, Christiane?  Why… how are you still home at 10 on a Monday?

Yes, I ask myself that occasionally, as I’m sure others do.  But gone are the days of waking up at 5:30am to commute to work, ping-pong between jobs, and finally arrive back home around 11pm just to collapse on the bed and to it all over again a few hours later.

That’s right, I’ve gotten a new job… well more like I’ve climbed up a rung or so on the proverbial ladder.   I’ve been with this company 2 years June and stuck it out (even when it seemed like the end) so a promotion came with open arms.  That’s not to say it’s all fun and games.  It’s a total retraining, relearning, re-strategizing process.

I work in sales.  No, not retail so much anymore.  Not hospitality,  although my Southern charm has come in hand way to many times.  Sales.  Membership sales.  Sales of an intangible practice at lofty prices.

Sure, I can talk about the value and benefits all day long.  I can put you in the right class again and again and know you are enjoying it.  But then comes asking.  Asking for or assuming the sale.  It’s not like selling a pair of shorts– OK, these fit and they look good.  I need shorts, cause it’s warming up and all.  Great, I’ll buy these shorts.  I know they are what I want and I know I will have immediate use for them.

It’s not exactly the same process for a membership.  “Would you like to continue your practice with us?”  Sure, maybe I would… but I’m traveling and what if I get hurt and can’t take class or I get busy with work and never make it in for the classes I want.  I’m sure I will enjoy it, but I want to come 3 times a week and I know I won’t be able to any time soon…  Wait, it’s now much?  Will I be coming enough to justify spending that?

I hear it every day.  Smiles and Southern flair only get you so far.  And that’s where my biggest challenge lies…  in the new uncharted unknown.

I’ve also found myself so much more immersed in the business… the numbers game or a large company.  The stat reports and corresponding percentages are suddenly something I check and actively participate in every day.

So why am I writing about this as I sip my coffee and procrastinate putting on stretchy pants and a blouse for work?  1.  Because I thought my fabulous blog community should be made away that I have a new position and will probably be writing more about it.  and 2. Because of the newest book i picked up the other day for summer reading.

While browsing the shelves of Barnes and Noble on 80 something and Broadway I picked up my usual- the latest edition of Women’s Running, another book on the cosmos, Origins by Neil DeGras Tyson, a book recently turned major motion picture that was recommended by a good friend, Wild, and then I found myself in the Business Management section.  Here I was drawn to a book bearing the Starbucks logo– Onward; How Starbucks Fought for Its Life without Losing Its Soul, by the company CEO Howard Schultz.

I don’t know what it was about the book or the moment, but I had to have it.  Will it unlock some hidden secret about working in a corporate company?  Maybe… I have no idea.  All I know is I haven’t been able to put it down.  My train commute is now something to look forward to rather then hold off on a long as possible.

While I’m not very far into it yet, a section of Onward stuck with me and I will leave you with it.

lovealways, Christiane

“There are moments in our lives when we summon the courage to make choices that go against reason, against common sense and the wise counsel of people we trust.  But we lean forward nonetheless because, despite all risks and rational argument, we believe that the path we are choosing in the right and best thing to do.  We refuse to be bystanders, even if we do not know exactly where our actions will lead.”

#Motivation

Happy New Year, lovely readers!

What are you up to today?  cleaning, sleeping, socializing, gym hunting, hangover nursing?  Well, whatever it is, I hope you are enjoying it.  Me, I’m relaxing in leggings and an oversized shirt eating a leisurely breakfast and writing to you, after sleeping in and recovering from my events last night… we will get to that in a minute.

Let us first talk about New Years.  A time when people party hard on 12/31 and ofter regret it the next morning.  A time when we get resolutions or intents for the next 12 months and (if we remember them for that long) try to see them through.  New Years is often about staying up late and possibly being out in the cold to watch object (a ball, a peach, a pelican) “drop” as thousands count down the last 10 seconds of the old year and welcome in the new one with confetti and cheers.   For many it’s a time to be with friends, family, and loved ones.  A kiss at midnight recognizing love and good luck is often shared between couples.  It’s a night to dress up and see fireworks another night then July 4th.

This New Years was… is… will continue to be different for me.  I didn’t dress up fancy- although my outfit all together was over $300.  I didn’t share it with anyone in particular- yet I shared 4 miles and a whole evening with 4000+ total strangers.  I didn’t hug or kiss anyone- I did cheers myself with sparkling cider along the way.  I didn’t set a “resolution” so much as I changed my focus… my personal motivation for getting up in the morning.

What did I do to ring in 2015?  I participated in the New York Road Runners 4 mile Midnight Run through Central Park… at, you guessed it, the stroke of midnight.  A massive fireworks display right in front of us kicked things off as several thousand runners took of to bring in the new year the best way we know how, in one of the most amazing cities north of the ATL  (lol).  I overcame so much in just a few hours.  I did this all alone… not with a group to follow… I took myself down and figured it out.  I did this in 30 degrees!!  25 or so with the wind chill… that’s cold guys, for me anyway.  I realized I’m overcoming my aversion to the cold (when dressed properly) and actually enjoyed it.  And I never stopped…  of course my pace varied, but I never stopped running, and this is a big one for me.  My mind gets tired well before my body and I’m often tempted to quit… but I didn’t not that night.

For me, this run will set the trend for my year.  I’m not making a resolution, as much as I’m setting my motivation.  Over the past several months it has been brought to my attention that I seldom do things because “I want to”.  It’s always been because it will please someone else, or make them happy in a long run, or look good when I go out with them, or to beat myself up for “mistakes” I have made.  I’ll let you all in on something not so pretty– all those days of fitness I did and nearly everything else for the past 5 months has been predominantly motivated by this thought, “If your Ex is that talented and good looking and amazing and YOU messed that up, you deserve to shred your muscles and push your body and beat yourself up… if for no other reason then that for a short time the physical pain is more intense then the emotional pain and for that time you don’t feel it”.

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Yes, I know that’s unhealthy and I’m tired of it.  So in this new year- I am my motivation.  This year I am going to set goals, most likely various races in NYC, do things that make me happy.

“I will run for… myself.  To be the best me in this new year”.  to quote my race bib.

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If you think that sounds selfish, it’s not.  Through a lot of thought, reflection, and growth I recognized that I have always done things to please others… that has been my motivation. But this is un-healthy and un-sustainable (as events in the past months have demonstrated).  However, if I am a truly confident and happy individual it will please others (and myself) for longer… healthier relationships.

This is going to be a new Christiane in a new year and I am pumped.  Not just running and working out… using my time, resources, and creative skills more.  I will write more.  I will make the time to grocery shop and cook again.  I will get my butt to classes.  I will socialize and explore.  I’m not saying it’s going to be easy…  but I’m not going to dwell on things I can’t fix and instead be in the present and be in it for me.

So y’all, what’s your New Years resolution… or motivation?  Share here if you would like, or just write it someplace for yourself and see what the year brings.

lovealways, christiane

On the 3rd Day of Fitness

I bet yall thought I’d quit, given up, forgotten… Well I’m proving you wrong!! I know it’s a bit late today, but between new co-worker training, protests, slow trains, roommates, cats, and wine…. I’m posting late- but better late then never. And better honest then nothing at all.

Today- YOGA (the video is on my Instagram @nychristiane )

Yoga is a form of workout and fitness that I respect and feel the positive effects of when I take the time to study and practice… But it’s not something I feel totally confident in. So practice is hard and personal.
But it’s very important to vary your workouts and challenge your body and mind. Maybe it’s not a sweaty cardio experience, but you pair it with a run, and yoga can offer that stretch and self focus time that we all need some times.

Allowing myself to be open to something that intimidates me and challenges my body is hard but beautiful and exciting when I feel the release. There are many types of yoga (I should know- I work in the field) and each is different. Try a new class!

Special thanks to Yogaworks as their “My Yogaworks Online” for the online class I took myself through today and to Jade Yoga Mats for my beautiful (life/practice changing) mat!!

What class, practice, equipment challenges you or just is t your favorite? Share it and how you approach it. Then follow, comment, like, etc…… And keep an eye out for more informed posts as my yoga practice continues!

lovealways, christiane

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One the 2nd Day of Fitness!

Hey look ya’ll, I got to day 2!!

“Well rounded Core work (Pilates style), good stretch (Yoga style), and a nice 2.5 mile run! Fitting a workout between jobs can be hard, but it’s important to mix up your routine, challenge your body, tone your muscles, lengthen them, and include at least 20 minutes of cardio ❤️ listen to your body but don’t be afraid to push it a little too!

Thanks to Brooks Running and Gap for my outfit today!!”

So, today was kinda hard, but really exhilarating. It was supposed to be a “long”(er) run day- like 4 miles- but by the time I finished a thorough stretch and strengthening session and got to the tread mill I could tell my body would not be happy with me if I pushed 4 miles then turned around and sat at work for 5 hours. I opted for a strong short run and a great shower after and I feel great tonight!

I’ve learned and really tried to practice 2 things as I advance in my personal fitness world:
1. Core work and stretching BEFORE a run makes the running so much better! I feel more lifted and light on my feet. I notice I’m not as tight afterwards and I feel like I can continue to move the rest of the day.
2. Set goals and expectations, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t keep to it every time. Like today, I wanted to do a longer run- but I had limited time and a busy evening at work ahead of me- I realized it would have done more harm then good for me today. So, instead of feeling defeated and maybe not even doing a workout at all, I did a hard, solid, very sweaty one and I ran hard till the very end… I also had time to take a shower and get cleaned up, eat, and get to work on time!

Fitness isn’t always about pushing and sweating, it’s really a lot about taking time for yourself and listening to your body.

Challenging yourself physically and mentally is also important, that’s how you work up to running further and faster, stretching for that full split, or doing the “Big 5 Ab Series” without a break.

What did you do today? Share, encourage, comment, like, follow, sweat!

It’s also on my Instagram, if you’re not following- you should be! @nychristiane

lovealways, christiane

Time. All it takes is time.

That’s a line from a song that has been floating in and out of my thoughts for weeks now, but I can’t place it or find it anywhere!  I can hear the melody and everything, but can’t recall any other lyrics, much less where it’s from.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?!  

Anyway, regardless– the concept, that anything takes time– is what truly resonates with me.
Time to grow
Time to heal
Time to learn
Time to practice
Time to adventure
Time to gain perspective
Time to understand
Time.

Time is something I’ve struggled with in various ways over the years.
Wishing I had more time
Remembering back to a different time
Not knowing what to do with my time
Having to much to do and not enough time
Wanting to go back in time

The list could go on.

But it’s not ok to live like that, I’ve discovered. Always living in a different time. Because then you are never living in the NOW, you will miss all the experiences and people that are coming and going around you because you are to busy stuck in a past time.
I’m not saying this is always easy, but when you can it opens you up to a lot of fun things.

This isn’t intended to be a long story based post, just a short muse on a topic… and to out these song lyrics out there into the universe, that maybe someone will recognize them and help me fill in what I’m missing, or just what the song it!

Anybody  know??  Or have personal reflections on the concept of time?  How it’s affected you?

Comment, share, like, tweet, reblog, etc!

Time is always been something I’ve struggled and played with- so much so that it, and a book titled, “Einstein’s Dream”, sparked a dance piece that I did the summer before my 1st year of college.  I don’t share this one much, and no comments on my movement technique at the time, but I think we all wish we could freeze some moments.  (And yes, back to the days of being super blond!)

 

I hope you all enjoy,

 

lovealways,  christiane

 

“it is’t yes, it’s not quite no”

This City is No Fairy Tale

New York City is a place that thousands flock to throughout the year.  It is a melting pot city, the home of all things Broadway, hosts one of the largest most prestigious marathons in the country, has history and memories on every street, and a beautifully lit iconic skyline at night.  But it’s still a city.  And no growing functioning city is beautiful, perfect, and some dream come true… Not once you get up close and personal with it- like in bed together up close and personal- that’s for sure.

Let’s preface this post with a big old heartfelt “I’m sorry”!  Cause I am sorry if what I’m writing bursts anyone’s bubble, but it will come out sooner or later.  I’m not sayin’ you should visit if it’s something you want to do… or that you shouldn’t move here if it’s the place you are supposed to be.  All I’m saying here, is don’t come with pre-conceived fairy tale ideas of the city, cause you will most likely be disappointed.

What exactly am I talking about?  A lot of the day to day things.  The little things that only exist in this way in New York– that give this city a uniqueness, but that also get down right annoying at times.

Some examples?  Sure why not…

The homeless taking up, stinking up, and yelling through the train cars.

Doggy doo along the sidewalks waiting for your unsuspecting shoe.

A great and diverse array of smells around every corner.  Some you with you could enjoy always or get a bite of whatever it is that has gotten your attention, others that you wish to NEVER smell again.

Trash… basically everywhere.  Along the sidewalks, often escaped from it’s bag.  Blowing in the wind.

Train delays.  You did everything right- got up on time, had everything ready, left your apartment with time to spare walking to the station, got on the train– so far so good, right?!  You are moving right along from station to station until you feel the breaks bring the train to a screeching halt and your conductor come over saying there is “train traffic ahead of you”.  And would you like to know why there is train traffic ahead?  Most likely cause some dumb-ass won’t “stand clear of the closing doors” so they have to ding ding-ding ding several times before they finally close.  And if someone has pulled the emergency break, or the track signals are malfunctioning, or goodness forbid someone has decided to jump on the tracks.  Well, you can kiss being to work on time goodbye.  (this is one I deal with on an almost daily basis… so it hits close to home).

Waiting in ridiculously long lines for just about everything you do- from going to a show (ok, there should be a legit line here), to grocery shopping… where most times I stand in a line longer then it took me to get the items I’m trying to buy!

Paying way to much for everything… like just the cost of living, and I’m not talking fun expenses.

You never really see this side of the city when you are getting VIP transportation in your tour bus, seeing everything from atop the Empire State Building, and only hitting up the manicured parts of town when you are on your feet on the street.  Getting into the city, down and dirty with it… way uptown, on side streets, during all hours of the day and night.  Thats when the real life side shows itself.

Of course, if I didn’t love some of that… or find that the beauty and opportunities far outweigh the frustrations  I wouldn’t still be here.  Maybe it’s not that bad.

Share, comment, like, follow, visit, etc!

lovealways,  christiane

Delete. Dye. Decision.

Never in my wildest, well maybe not my wildest, but never did I think I’d be pampering myself at a hair salon on 5th Ave. or that I’d have 2 self designed tattoos on my body, or that I could have been removed from someone’s life (and removed them from mine) like an outdated document, or that I’d find myself surviving alone and actually being ok… being more then ok at times.

This post has been turning over and over in my head for about a month, but I wasn’t at a place where I could put the thoughts into words for it’s content. I believe, more or less, that I am at the place now… or at least closer to it.

DELETE

A little while back, I was having a pretty rough patch, on a personal level.  It felt like everywhere I went something rememinded me of a different time, a different place, and all that has changed over the past few months.  I was sad and angry and frustrated and couldn’t really put my finger on “why”… which made me more upset about it all.  I admit I’m not good at letting things go and moving on… especially if it’s not my decision to do so.
And that, I realized was part of what was making me upset:  How easily some people can remove another from their lives entirely.  Seemingly as easy as hitting the “Delete” key on your computer, dragging an icon to the “trash bin”, clicking “un-friend”, “unfollow”, and “remove”.

Of course this opened my eyes (and I hope you all noticed) to the fact that each of those descriptions refers to the way of removing unwated files or accounts from your computer or social media arenas. But I am not a digital file to be discarded or “replaced” by the newest changes. When I’m treated like that, I feel pretty awful and a huge part of my wants to fight back. Nor am I a computer or something that has no real memory… “I wish that I could wake up with amnesia” is a very true statement. Cause that may be the only was I can DELETE events of my past from my present life.

This whole thought process also led me to realize how much our lives are entwined with our social media outlets. The fact that being “unfriended” from someones Facebook account, at one point threw me into a crying fit, as though that were really really the worst the worst thing that had happened to me, was kind of ridiculous. Half the people I’m “friends” with on Facebook or “Follow” on Instagram I don’t even know! now that’s pretty ridiculous. But in my opinion, not as ridiculous as thinking that my removing all images, appearances, and reminders of someone will ever remove them from your memory or a part of your life.

DYE

No, not die… like “drop dead”, but dye as in a colored dye, an ink, dying something. (This is particularly relevant to me today).
As you all should know, I have 2 tattoos. One on my right ankle, that’s 4 years old this month. And one on my left forearm that’s 5 month old today, to be exact. Each time I get a tattoo, I have gotten a different reaction. When I got my first tat, some people got flat out mad, others got concerned that I was becoming some strange tattooed rebel. Getting my second tat, because of the timing I think, make people saw it as a “F**k (insert my ex’s name here)” tattoo. Which was certainly not the case… or was it?

Starting a few months ago, I began dying my hair… and I’m not talking a few highlights to embellish my blond… I’m talking full on color change. I went RED. And I love it! It gives me a whole different look and almost a different personality at times.

This seems to be my way of dealing… maybe I don’t go through like a tornado and remove every track of you, but I’ll change myself. Becoming another side of me that hasn’t come to the surface in a long time, if ever. I’m tempted to say I’m obsessed with both. For someone who never thought they’d get a tattoo, and after my first had no desire for another, I have ideas for several more. Will I get them? Maybe. Anytime soon? Probably not… but I’ll think about it as I’m laying in bed or folding towels at work. As for the hair- that’s sticking around for a while. This is the second time I’ve done it in this color pallet. Sure, it’s expensive and then I have to keep it nice, but if I’m not with anyone, who am I going to pamper if not myself?

DECISION

This was not the word I originally had in my list. If came about tonight, while I was writing and I think it’s better then “Dilemma” that I had at first.
I feel like I’m faced with a decision to make, not so much facing a dilemma.

A few weeks ago I was a mess. I was exhausted all the time. I was sour and easily irritated. I didn’t mean to be and I was not able to pin point one thing that had triggered these feelings. And it was getting bad- things at work were starting to slip, I wasn’t eating right, and relationships were being pushed. I knew I didn’t want to feel as I did, but I felt like because I didn’t know why, I really couldn’t do anything about it. Just give it some time and hope thing changed, for the better.
It wasn’t until earlier this week that it was brought to my attention that I seemed happier, more energetic, and looked a lot better. This hit me, and I realized I wasn’t forcing anything. I actually felt… feel… good! I feel happy and am enjoying what I’m doing. I’m taking time for myself and not feeling guilty about it. I’m enjoying the time I have with friends and co-workers instead of dwelling to much on the past and the people I miss. Sure, maybe I still beat myself up a little for hurting someone and not being able to change my ways soon enough. But I hope I’m making decisions that will make me happy and in that, show that I’m not a horrible person.

Is it a decision to be happy? Yes. I believe it is, same as it’s a decision to change ones hair color, or have our skin injected with ink, or to go through months of photographs removing only certain ones. Maybe not always a conscious decisions like some of the other examples, but a decision none the less. As I’ve come to find, the decisions that lead to making one person happy will not always make others feel the same way. We do so many things as a way of self preservation.

What do I want you to “get” fro this post, I honestly don’t even know. I wrote it as a place to put these thoughts that have come together in my mind. Perhaps, if you’ve been in a similar situation, you can relate. Let me know.

Like, share, comment, the usual.

lovealways, Christiane

[She] “Sometimes has to Cry” (On the Bathroom Floor)

This is usually where I tend to find myself when I’ve come to the edge and without stoping gone right over and then I’m very much stuck. It’s not often, but 3 very distinct life changing times come to mind any time I find myself back there on the cold hard tile.

Most recently… today actually… avoiding eye contact, I slumped into the bathroom at work and crumpled onto the floor. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed at work and that I’d let some things slide, but I didn’t realize just how bad it was till I had a meeting with my boss. The meeting wasn’t all bad and I love my job and my boss- don’t get me wrong- but I realized how much I’ve been holding back… holding in… and that it was starting to negatively affect my work ability and performance.
I felt so embarrassed for bursting into tears then slinking around the studio because my face was red and blotchy and my eyes bloodshot. But I didn’t realize how much I needed to cry.
After the breakup and move, I felt like I was cried out… I don’t think I’ve cried sense then, till today. I was tired of being emotional and teary-eyed everywhere I went… But given the right time and place, a good cry can actually be a good stress release and allow you time to clear your head and be ready to come back to the situation with better perspective. At least that’s what I’ve found.

Over the years I’ve learned that it’s hard for me to show weakness, fear, and insecurity. I’d say it’s something I work with regularly… and just when I think I’ve made improvements, I find myself drying at work and posting about it on FaceBook– maybe one of the most un-adult ways to handle a situation… and I remember I’m not as strong, brave, and stable as I want to be or as others think I should be. This has cost me relationships and trust, but it’s also pushed me in better directions.
It may be embarrassing, but I’ve learned something every time and come out somehow better in the end, and I hope that by sharing, I inspire someone else to face what it is that they struggle with and come out stronger on the other side.

The first time I can remember I was in 10th grade… in dance class. I had just decided I was going to be a dance major and was placed in a more advanced class. We had a guest teacher that day- a DSA grad come back from college to teach us a special master class. I tried, oh boy did I try, but about 20 minutes in we were going across the floor and I couldn’t, for the lit of my, keep up! I was used to not always getting the movement combinations in class- Marci and Dean can vouch for that!- but I’d give it all I had and look fierce while doing it regardless… but this class got me. I’ve never run out in the middle of a class except for that day– we were gonna go across again faster and I couldn’t– I bolted. Out the door I ran trying to get away before the tears and self doubt poured out.
I found myself on the floor of the girls bathroom at DSA, in a black leo and tights, crying. Questioning why I had ever thought I was meant to be a dancer and how in the world I was gonna walk back into that studio. A classmate, a senior, came in after me. She let me cry… She told me it was fine, that it was hard for her too and that I was going great. I pulled myself together, we went back in, and she went across one last time with me, helping me through the combination.
I realized then, that I had a family and support system in the dance world and that it was ok to not get every across the floor every time. I promised myself then that I wouldn’t leave a class like that again, but that I would take a breath and go across that one last time, not worrying if I got it or not. I went on to get my college degree in dance performance and I haven’t left another class yet.

The second time was very early the morning of my fathers memorial service, 3 years ago this month, after his 10 month battle with cancer. Now, of course this wasn’t the first time I’d cried during that time, but it was the first time I felt like I cried with nothing holding my back and didn’t know when it would stop. I wasn’t worried about my looks and presentation, or having to communicate with anyone, or having to take care of anyone, or having to run errands… It was just me and the dark pre-sunrise day, and my college apartment bathroom floor.
It came out of no where and I found myself willing to let it run it’s course. I felt scared and alone and worried… confused and mad and very much small and alone. There alone on the floor I yelled, I laughed, I sat in silence, and I cried (of course). I don’t know how long I was there and I don’t really remember going back to bed… But I did, cause when I really woke up that day I felt clean. I knew I needed to be calm and collected for the service… but I know I left a lot on the floor at Avery Glen Apt. 127.

The third time was a few months ago, when my significant other ended our relationship. I couldn’t even pretend to hold it together, I was so in shock and upset. I’ve never had my knees literally buckle under me, but there I was, in the dark on another (much smaller, this is NYC after all) bathroom floor, sobbing my eyes out as a wave of emotions and worry flooded me. Was this real? Why couldn’t we talk about this? What was I doing to do? Where was I supposed to go?
I couldn’t really stay in the bathroom all that long (as between 5 of us roommates we had one bathroom) so the crying continued in the bedroom late into the night, but again I was scarred and wondering what I was thinking getting into this again and hating myself for not being better to someone I said I cared about.

I don’t really have a good way to end this post. So I’ll quote a song that I love and that some people were playing in the subway last night as I was waiting for the train home from work. For the video– check out my Instagram http://instagram.com/p/t6jXyYG4NH/

I pray you’ll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer,
when we lose our way
Lead us to a place,
guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.

love always, christiane