Delete. Dye. Decision.

Never in my wildest, well maybe not my wildest, but never did I think I’d be pampering myself at a hair salon on 5th Ave. or that I’d have 2 self designed tattoos on my body, or that I could have been removed from someone’s life (and removed them from mine) like an outdated document, or that I’d find myself surviving alone and actually being ok… being more then ok at times.

This post has been turning over and over in my head for about a month, but I wasn’t at a place where I could put the thoughts into words for it’s content. I believe, more or less, that I am at the place now… or at least closer to it.

DELETE

A little while back, I was having a pretty rough patch, on a personal level.  It felt like everywhere I went something rememinded me of a different time, a different place, and all that has changed over the past few months.  I was sad and angry and frustrated and couldn’t really put my finger on “why”… which made me more upset about it all.  I admit I’m not good at letting things go and moving on… especially if it’s not my decision to do so.
And that, I realized was part of what was making me upset:  How easily some people can remove another from their lives entirely.  Seemingly as easy as hitting the “Delete” key on your computer, dragging an icon to the “trash bin”, clicking “un-friend”, “unfollow”, and “remove”.

Of course this opened my eyes (and I hope you all noticed) to the fact that each of those descriptions refers to the way of removing unwated files or accounts from your computer or social media arenas. But I am not a digital file to be discarded or “replaced” by the newest changes. When I’m treated like that, I feel pretty awful and a huge part of my wants to fight back. Nor am I a computer or something that has no real memory… “I wish that I could wake up with amnesia” is a very true statement. Cause that may be the only was I can DELETE events of my past from my present life.

This whole thought process also led me to realize how much our lives are entwined with our social media outlets. The fact that being “unfriended” from someones Facebook account, at one point threw me into a crying fit, as though that were really really the worst the worst thing that had happened to me, was kind of ridiculous. Half the people I’m “friends” with on Facebook or “Follow” on Instagram I don’t even know! now that’s pretty ridiculous. But in my opinion, not as ridiculous as thinking that my removing all images, appearances, and reminders of someone will ever remove them from your memory or a part of your life.

DYE

No, not die… like “drop dead”, but dye as in a colored dye, an ink, dying something. (This is particularly relevant to me today).
As you all should know, I have 2 tattoos. One on my right ankle, that’s 4 years old this month. And one on my left forearm that’s 5 month old today, to be exact. Each time I get a tattoo, I have gotten a different reaction. When I got my first tat, some people got flat out mad, others got concerned that I was becoming some strange tattooed rebel. Getting my second tat, because of the timing I think, make people saw it as a “F**k (insert my ex’s name here)” tattoo. Which was certainly not the case… or was it?

Starting a few months ago, I began dying my hair… and I’m not talking a few highlights to embellish my blond… I’m talking full on color change. I went RED. And I love it! It gives me a whole different look and almost a different personality at times.

This seems to be my way of dealing… maybe I don’t go through like a tornado and remove every track of you, but I’ll change myself. Becoming another side of me that hasn’t come to the surface in a long time, if ever. I’m tempted to say I’m obsessed with both. For someone who never thought they’d get a tattoo, and after my first had no desire for another, I have ideas for several more. Will I get them? Maybe. Anytime soon? Probably not… but I’ll think about it as I’m laying in bed or folding towels at work. As for the hair- that’s sticking around for a while. This is the second time I’ve done it in this color pallet. Sure, it’s expensive and then I have to keep it nice, but if I’m not with anyone, who am I going to pamper if not myself?

DECISION

This was not the word I originally had in my list. If came about tonight, while I was writing and I think it’s better then “Dilemma” that I had at first.
I feel like I’m faced with a decision to make, not so much facing a dilemma.

A few weeks ago I was a mess. I was exhausted all the time. I was sour and easily irritated. I didn’t mean to be and I was not able to pin point one thing that had triggered these feelings. And it was getting bad- things at work were starting to slip, I wasn’t eating right, and relationships were being pushed. I knew I didn’t want to feel as I did, but I felt like because I didn’t know why, I really couldn’t do anything about it. Just give it some time and hope thing changed, for the better.
It wasn’t until earlier this week that it was brought to my attention that I seemed happier, more energetic, and looked a lot better. This hit me, and I realized I wasn’t forcing anything. I actually felt… feel… good! I feel happy and am enjoying what I’m doing. I’m taking time for myself and not feeling guilty about it. I’m enjoying the time I have with friends and co-workers instead of dwelling to much on the past and the people I miss. Sure, maybe I still beat myself up a little for hurting someone and not being able to change my ways soon enough. But I hope I’m making decisions that will make me happy and in that, show that I’m not a horrible person.

Is it a decision to be happy? Yes. I believe it is, same as it’s a decision to change ones hair color, or have our skin injected with ink, or to go through months of photographs removing only certain ones. Maybe not always a conscious decisions like some of the other examples, but a decision none the less. As I’ve come to find, the decisions that lead to making one person happy will not always make others feel the same way. We do so many things as a way of self preservation.

What do I want you to “get” fro this post, I honestly don’t even know. I wrote it as a place to put these thoughts that have come together in my mind. Perhaps, if you’ve been in a similar situation, you can relate. Let me know.

Like, share, comment, the usual.

lovealways, Christiane

Infatuated: Blue Skies, Wide Open Spaces, and Me

I really think this title says it all. So let this be a photo entry accompanied by some words, instead of the other way around.

I’m not sure when my love and interest in bright blue skies first came about, but I know I first noticed this infatuation on top of Elk Mt. in Oklahoma.IMG_0030.PNG
You could see for miles in all directions. It was breathtakingly beautiful, the water reflecting the intense blue of the sky, and that sky meeting the land far off in the distance. Up there was the first time I realized I would have been very happy to sit for hours just bring under that sky, looking at it’s beauty and power… Feeling small and humbled, but also beautiful.

For years I took for granted the majesty and beauty of Southern Illinois, where I used to spend my summers and now where I run to in an attempt to escape New York City and regain… Or maintain… Some of my sanity. There, un-impeded by sky scrapers and city lights, you can see sky, trees, water.

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I have come to realize that I could happily be under and look at a blue sky, really anywhere, and by so happy. Now I don’t just mean any blue, I mean that piercing, intense, clear, powerful blue sky that says “yes, look up from your phones, get up form your office chairs, and come outside. Look up at me and bask there, totally unchained from all other daily problems. Just be”.

I’m not saying you can’t see a phenomenal sky in New York City, because you can in fact.

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You just have to be in the right place, but even then there is usually a building standing in the open blue. And all to often, you may only get a small glimpse as you move through the dark underground of the city.

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I believe there is something very deeply rooted in us, that draws us to nature in some form. For me, the blue sky… Being able to watch it go on and on. Yes it can make me feel small and vulnerable, but it also gives me a view of endless possibilities with plenty of space and time to try them all. When I’m distracted by a perfect, uninterrupted blue sky, I never feel lonely or lost. I’m reminded there’s so much more out there.

Ever had a dream where you fly? Well, I can tell you- it’s the best way to see the sky!!

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For more fun pictures, check out my Instagram @nychristiane ❤️. And follow, share, like, comment! I always love to get feedback and support.

Love always, Christiane

Remember to check out my original choreography “Shaded Blue” posted in Sharing is Scary Part 1

I’m Melting! A piece on people.

If you are in New York City, then you know that it rained today. Of course, it started a full on storm just as I was leaving one job and deciding what to do before the next one. I decided not to rush anywhere, to leisurely make my way uptown. On doing so, I had time to notice the people around me.
Here’s what I saw-

The moment a drop of water fell, full on chaos broke out on the street. People fumbling to open umbrellas or breaking into a run to get under cover. Anything to get out of the water. Aggression doubled and along with the usual “head down, I’m not gonna look where I’m going and run into you… But it’s still your fault” attitude.

It’s a little water- is it really gonna do all that much harm? I had a realization. We have no problem dressing and going out into the sun and the heat. Sweating in our clothes and combating damp frizzy hair… So what is the difference with rain???

Be it sweat or rain water clothes (my clothes anyway) are damp, sticky, and clingy AND hair (my hair at least) is plastered down on top and sure to frizz up as soon as it even things about drying out.

So why don’t we… They… People, suddenly burst into a crazy fit the minute they feel a drop of perspiration the way we… they.. People do as soon as they feel a drop of precipitation ?

Unless you are the Wicked Witch of the West, a little water probably never hurt you that much… I can 99.9% guarantee you won’t melt !

This is what I thought about as I struggled past hordes of pedestrians crowding under the 59th St. Subway entrance

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“Live for cloudy days. Remember. Hold hands. Walk in the rain. Let clouds reflect in your eyes.”

We- people- Homo sapiens, are funny creatures. We can be impulsive but hide our instincts. Why? Is that one of the age old questions? I’ll leave it unanswered… For now.

And well, that’s what I thought about as I commuted underground and through the wet streets of the city between jobs. I thought I’d share this and ask if anyone else has felt this way. Or notice these funny quirks about ourselves. People.

Continue to share, follow, like, and comment! I hope you all like the blog- I’m so glad to be writing again!!

Love always, Christiane

And watch out- today was only 80% chance precipitation– tomorrow is 100%!!