Ruin is the Road to Transformation- RUN

13.1


All my runners out there you know this number.  The mile count for a half marathon.  Of which I have now done twice.  Perhaps you’ve run so many you’ve lost count, or you have just begun training towards your first 5K with your sights set on the miles ahead.  Where ever you are, be proud of where you are and excited for where you will go.

Me, a runner?  Tell me that a few years ago and I would have laughed in your face.  I was perfectly happy on the elliptical for my cardio and running the occasional 5K that took the better part of an hour to complete.  I didn’t love running… if anything it hurt my body like crazy and I couldn’t breath.

Ok, yes- in college I started to run more, like outside for distances greater then 2 miles, with the proper shoes and with a group of people.  My times weren’t anything special and I was worn out by the activity.  Skip ahead to my move to NYC and I was trying very hard to maintain my miles.  But city running and summer heat made me put on the breaks.  Fast forward to moving in with the boyfriend, running at the gym increased as we both joined Planet Fitness but try to run outside with someone who’s legs are twice as long and I was left in the dust.  Losing self respect and self confidence, my running shoes say the dark of my closet.


Wait, what??  Now I have 2 half marathon medals hanging on my wall?  When did this happen?

Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and set out to accomplish something just for you.  Starting on New Years Eve and the Midnight Run, I committed to myself to do things just for me this year.  To set new goals and reach them.  To challenge myself, through running.  And I signed up for 2 half marathons.  3 weeks apart.

First, I ran the MORE SHAPE Women’s Half in Central Park.   This race marked so much for me.  One year to the date that I was thrown out of my home and relationship.  One year of not giving up or giving in.  Once year of hard work and job promotions.  One year of being totally alone and OK with that.  3.5 years sense my dad passed from cancer. Like 6 years sense graduating high school.  Almost 2 years sense graduating college and moving to NYC.

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Let me tell you, 13.1 miles gives you a lot of time to think!  But finishing better then I had predicted for myself, and 2:24:20, at that finish line all I could think about what how amazing this experience was and how much I wanted more water.

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But crossing that line to cheers, cause everyone is cheering everyone on- that’s when it’s all worth it.  The medal isn’t bad either!!

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Then I ran the Brooklyn Half.  Yes, I trekked to Brooklyn (from Inwood) to set out on another 13.1 mile adventure that included airport security, 5 miles run in pouring rain, and a new PR- shaving off 3 minutes and crossing the finish line at 2:21:03.  OH, and another medal!

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I’ve also made some amazing friends alone the way.  People in my neighborhood, other runners new to the distance, and people to compare compressions shorts with.

My amazing beautiful awesome roommates have been there for me at the finish line every time and thanks to live tracking, friends and family who can’t make it to Central Park, and certainly not Brooklyn have been able to be a part of the experience.


“Ruin is the road to transformation” ~ Eat Pray Love

Had I not fallen so far, felt like I lost so much, and desperately not wanted to give in and leave… I never would have decided to conquer a half marathon, much less 2.  I wanted, no needed, to be a part of something. I needed to do something that only I could control… that i had to hold myself accountable too (training), and that wasn’t FOR anyone else but me.  I didn’t run these races or set expectations to show off for anyone but myself and honestly, I didn’t care what others thought or if anyone else even cared.

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I can see now now far I’ve come.  I have found out things about myself that only surface when you have a lot of alone time with yourself.  I’m stronger physically (well yes) but also mentally and emotionally.  And that feels really amazing.


Long runs are about over now for the summer, but training never stops and there are more courses to conquer and medals to accept!

lovealways, Christiane

[She] “Sometimes has to Cry” (On the Bathroom Floor)

This is usually where I tend to find myself when I’ve come to the edge and without stoping gone right over and then I’m very much stuck. It’s not often, but 3 very distinct life changing times come to mind any time I find myself back there on the cold hard tile.

Most recently… today actually… avoiding eye contact, I slumped into the bathroom at work and crumpled onto the floor. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed at work and that I’d let some things slide, but I didn’t realize just how bad it was till I had a meeting with my boss. The meeting wasn’t all bad and I love my job and my boss- don’t get me wrong- but I realized how much I’ve been holding back… holding in… and that it was starting to negatively affect my work ability and performance.
I felt so embarrassed for bursting into tears then slinking around the studio because my face was red and blotchy and my eyes bloodshot. But I didn’t realize how much I needed to cry.
After the breakup and move, I felt like I was cried out… I don’t think I’ve cried sense then, till today. I was tired of being emotional and teary-eyed everywhere I went… But given the right time and place, a good cry can actually be a good stress release and allow you time to clear your head and be ready to come back to the situation with better perspective. At least that’s what I’ve found.

Over the years I’ve learned that it’s hard for me to show weakness, fear, and insecurity. I’d say it’s something I work with regularly… and just when I think I’ve made improvements, I find myself drying at work and posting about it on FaceBook– maybe one of the most un-adult ways to handle a situation… and I remember I’m not as strong, brave, and stable as I want to be or as others think I should be. This has cost me relationships and trust, but it’s also pushed me in better directions.
It may be embarrassing, but I’ve learned something every time and come out somehow better in the end, and I hope that by sharing, I inspire someone else to face what it is that they struggle with and come out stronger on the other side.

The first time I can remember I was in 10th grade… in dance class. I had just decided I was going to be a dance major and was placed in a more advanced class. We had a guest teacher that day- a DSA grad come back from college to teach us a special master class. I tried, oh boy did I try, but about 20 minutes in we were going across the floor and I couldn’t, for the lit of my, keep up! I was used to not always getting the movement combinations in class- Marci and Dean can vouch for that!- but I’d give it all I had and look fierce while doing it regardless… but this class got me. I’ve never run out in the middle of a class except for that day– we were gonna go across again faster and I couldn’t– I bolted. Out the door I ran trying to get away before the tears and self doubt poured out.
I found myself on the floor of the girls bathroom at DSA, in a black leo and tights, crying. Questioning why I had ever thought I was meant to be a dancer and how in the world I was gonna walk back into that studio. A classmate, a senior, came in after me. She let me cry… She told me it was fine, that it was hard for her too and that I was going great. I pulled myself together, we went back in, and she went across one last time with me, helping me through the combination.
I realized then, that I had a family and support system in the dance world and that it was ok to not get every across the floor every time. I promised myself then that I wouldn’t leave a class like that again, but that I would take a breath and go across that one last time, not worrying if I got it or not. I went on to get my college degree in dance performance and I haven’t left another class yet.

The second time was very early the morning of my fathers memorial service, 3 years ago this month, after his 10 month battle with cancer. Now, of course this wasn’t the first time I’d cried during that time, but it was the first time I felt like I cried with nothing holding my back and didn’t know when it would stop. I wasn’t worried about my looks and presentation, or having to communicate with anyone, or having to take care of anyone, or having to run errands… It was just me and the dark pre-sunrise day, and my college apartment bathroom floor.
It came out of no where and I found myself willing to let it run it’s course. I felt scared and alone and worried… confused and mad and very much small and alone. There alone on the floor I yelled, I laughed, I sat in silence, and I cried (of course). I don’t know how long I was there and I don’t really remember going back to bed… But I did, cause when I really woke up that day I felt clean. I knew I needed to be calm and collected for the service… but I know I left a lot on the floor at Avery Glen Apt. 127.

The third time was a few months ago, when my significant other ended our relationship. I couldn’t even pretend to hold it together, I was so in shock and upset. I’ve never had my knees literally buckle under me, but there I was, in the dark on another (much smaller, this is NYC after all) bathroom floor, sobbing my eyes out as a wave of emotions and worry flooded me. Was this real? Why couldn’t we talk about this? What was I doing to do? Where was I supposed to go?
I couldn’t really stay in the bathroom all that long (as between 5 of us roommates we had one bathroom) so the crying continued in the bedroom late into the night, but again I was scarred and wondering what I was thinking getting into this again and hating myself for not being better to someone I said I cared about.

I don’t really have a good way to end this post. So I’ll quote a song that I love and that some people were playing in the subway last night as I was waiting for the train home from work. For the video– check out my Instagram http://instagram.com/p/t6jXyYG4NH/

I pray you’ll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
in times when we don’t know
Let this be our prayer,
when we lose our way
Lead us to a place,
guide us with your grace
To a place where we’ll be safe.

love always, christiane

Beauty in Simplicity- Sunset

Seldom do I write a post on a whim. Is just the sort of blogger I’ve become. Usually because a post requires photo and video editing, or content collection and editing, but most often simply because I don’t have time to sit, write, and publish a decent post all in one go!

This evening however, I’m out on a walk and extremely compelled to sit with the sunset and write a post. (So please excise typos and such- I’m writing from my phone).

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That’s what’s in front of my right now. And I realize I feel completely at ease. With the wind the sun the water and me, I feel content. I feel small and humbled but I feel beautiful and thankful to be right here, right now… Living in the moment.

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Living in New York I’ve discovered how much I, we as a city, rush around and seldom remember to stop and smell the metaphorical roses. To take a moment and realize where we are and what we have. We go non-stop and even in the thing we do to “relax” ourselves (like yoga for example) we rush to class, with it would go faster, and never stop thinking about what we have to do next.
Walking through the park to my current landing spot, I actually heard geese honking overhead. If your in NYC you know nature sounds are often few and far between, if we are ever even outside long enough to listen. But I did- heard them before I saw them- changing their “V” formation as they flew South for winter. Into the sunset.

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All to sudden I feel like it’s dark, the sun has set and the day is over. We always ask for just a little longer, but maybe what we have is just enough. Take every moment as it comes and for what it is. Else you just might miss one that’s beautiful and amazing.

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Now, as the sun says goodnight, so do I. Till another day and another post (sooner than later) brings us together again!

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Love always, christiane

We Say “Goodbye” to out Girls

“We all have the opportunity to leave our footprint in the sand”

Often we say goodbye and really mean, I’ll see you later. But there is always the looming goodbye that you know is really the last one. I don’t mean to sound harsh or negative or depressing or mean… It’s the circle of life and I’ve experienced my share of it… So I speak from my experience.
The physical being may be gone but the memory lives on in photos and those of us left behind. Sometimes the later in I’ll see you later, may be a long way off but memories are forever. I’m always a fan of “remember the good times”, the times before you fought, got sick, moved on, left. It’s easier said then done though, I know. So here’s to a post about memories and goodbyes.
I just found out my mom had to put her dog to sleep. Scamp, or little dog as I always called her, had lost most of her senses and her organs were failing internally. While we all called her our puppy dog, she was well over 10 years old. She had a great life full of long walks, popcorn, groomers, and food. But that doss not make it any less hard to say that last goodbye.20140915-145618-53778687.jpg

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About 5 years ago, we put our other dog, Kate or big dog, down. She to was about 13 and her body was starting to fail her. Even though she always wager her tail when she saw the treats come out or the harness go on, I the end she could hardly stand. It was better for her and for us, to end the pain and remember the good times. Because those are what matters…. While both good and bad build us up, break us down, and make us individuals.

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And senses I’m already crying, I will make this a full “in memory” post and white about my dad. We are just 1 month shy of the 3 year date of his passing from an aggressive form of kidney cancer… If you didn’t know that happened, well, now you do. In a whirlwind of a 10 month downhill spirally world changed and I was saying a goodbye that would never be I’ll see you again. What can you do? The body fails but the spirit and Emory lives on… If we dwell on that goodbye we never move forward. It becomes a ball and chain, weighing us down and holding us back. However, if we remember their spirit and channel that in our daily lives, we grow and move onward… Living with their memory and guidance.

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We are shadows.

Alright, that’s enough emotions for me today… But it saves me from writing a blabbering unreadable post on October 19th.
The take away, love the moment and live it to the fullest. Love those around you and love yourself… even when it seems impossible. I like to believe that goodbye doesn’t mean goodbye, just I’ll see you later… And depending on what you believe, maybe that’s true… But it’s never any easier.

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Reflect, share, comment, like, follow, enjoy.

Love always, Christiane