This Bed is SO Damn Big- Need More Pillows!

I’ll let you all in on a little secret, for 70% of my posts I’ve already decided on the title then I have to come up with the body content. So, when this phrase showed up in my head, I wrote it down to save until I was ready to write the corresponding post, figuring it would be some sob-story, nostalgic post about missing by (ex)boyfriend, and how sleeping alone is so… well, lonely, and yadda yadda yadda.  (especially considering where it’s from)

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But laying in bed last night, forcing myself to fall asleep in the middle of my huge queen size, pillow top bed and not being able to get the title song (of this post) out of my head- I decided what I really needs were more pillows!!! Ya know, decorative throw pillows, to fill up the extra space, to look pretty, to lay on, to set stuff on, and just to be… there. Something to make it feel not so empty…. Make this bed feel a little less big.
Ok, maybe I’ve been spending to much time at Pier 1, but I’ve always loved throw pillows!

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Of course waking up the next morning. The previous nights decisions sound totally ridiculous… And expensive. This made me rethink, or think about at all, how much importance I… or we as a society… Place in material things. I am totally guilty of this. “Oh, if I get that lamp, pair of shoes, necklace, bottle of wine, glass figurine… I’ll be happy”!  But once that thing has become yesterday’s news, are we ever any happier? In the long run, probably not… And if you are budget conscious, you are probably even more disappointed. At least, that’s the story of my life.

Yet somehow, I can’t seem to find or maintain those non-tangible things.  AND here’s where it gets sappy.  We all knew it was coming eventually.  I truly miss sharing a bed with the person I lov(ed).  I would never want things to “go back” to the way they were, cause clearly that wasn’t good for any part involved… but did it have to be that way?  We may never know.  And I may never be able to sleep through the night without making my way over to the right side of the bed and waiting for cuddles…. at least until I get lots more pillows!

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love always,  christiane

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Coming clean

I know, I know. I’ve been away for a bit. And even when I do post, I’m beating around a topic. Well, no more.

I wrote this awesome post (by the same title) but it didn’t get posted. I know what you’re thinking– oh man, she wrote a great post and then the computer crashed before it could be saved and something amazing was lost!. Well no, not exactly. It didn’t get posted because it didn’t tell the story… The truth… The way it needed to. So I saved that as a draft, to have for myself, and I’m starting again- quick, simple, to the point, and staying just what I need to.

Basically, through no fault of one individual or the other… But through the fault of lost communication, jealousy, misplaced support, and untrue facades… My relationship with someone very dear to me ended… Abruptly.

3 months ago I was left alone and nearly homeless, but through more luck and good will then I deserve, I got through it. Through the physical struggle anyway. In 15 days I secured a second job (more later) and a new apartment. With the support of friends and co-workers I got moved and settled.

I am resilient. Like a crocuses pushing back through the ice still lingering in early spring.

But am I happy? On the outside it would seem so. I look great and can eat again. I work and workout daily. I smile. But I still feel alone. I feel guilty. If one could go back- be who I really am instead of trying to be some version of a “perfect”, fashionable, working, un-spontaneous me- I would. Cause her, the real me, the one I see everyday, is who he loved (at least, I think so).

This has brought out a lot in me. I felt completely broken apart, but rebuilding with stronger material everyday.

So are you seeing anyone now?
My answer: Hell NO.
If I’m wasting time and money, it’s gonna be on me myself and I. Not someone I have no interest in. Cause I know I’ve met my match.

I’m not writing this for sympathy, to blame or bad mouth anyone, to beg forgiveness, or for the whole this to just be a bad dream and be fixed next week.
I’m writing this to be honest. To get these feeling and words off my chest and out of my head. I don’t love using this blog as a personal diary, but if I’m going to be writing about life, adventures, fitness, and New York City… Well you should know where I’m coming from. What’s motivating me.

So I leave you, on this rainy Monday night in NYC, with this–
Always say I love you and mean it.
Communicate with those you love and support them where they need it.
Be attentive.

But mostly, be true to yourself.
Forgive. Even if you are not forgiven in return.

I’m sorry.

And

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For everything ❤️

Goodnight

Christiane