Never in my wildest, well maybe not my wildest, but never did I think I’d be pampering myself at a hair salon on 5th Ave. or that I’d have 2 self designed tattoos on my body, or that I could have been removed from someone’s life (and removed them from mine) like an outdated document, or that I’d find myself surviving alone and actually being ok… being more then ok at times.
This post has been turning over and over in my head for about a month, but I wasn’t at a place where I could put the thoughts into words for it’s content. I believe, more or less, that I am at the place now… or at least closer to it.
DELETE
A little while back, I was having a pretty rough patch, on a personal level. It felt like everywhere I went something rememinded me of a different time, a different place, and all that has changed over the past few months. I was sad and angry and frustrated and couldn’t really put my finger on “why”… which made me more upset about it all. I admit I’m not good at letting things go and moving on… especially if it’s not my decision to do so.
And that, I realized was part of what was making me upset: How easily some people can remove another from their lives entirely. Seemingly as easy as hitting the “Delete” key on your computer, dragging an icon to the “trash bin”, clicking “un-friend”, “unfollow”, and “remove”.
Of course this opened my eyes (and I hope you all noticed) to the fact that each of those descriptions refers to the way of removing unwated files or accounts from your computer or social media arenas. But I am not a digital file to be discarded or “replaced” by the newest changes. When I’m treated like that, I feel pretty awful and a huge part of my wants to fight back. Nor am I a computer or something that has no real memory… “I wish that I could wake up with amnesia” is a very true statement. Cause that may be the only was I can DELETE events of my past from my present life.
This whole thought process also led me to realize how much our lives are entwined with our social media outlets. The fact that being “unfriended” from someones Facebook account, at one point threw me into a crying fit, as though that were really really the worst the worst thing that had happened to me, was kind of ridiculous. Half the people I’m “friends” with on Facebook or “Follow” on Instagram I don’t even know! now that’s pretty ridiculous. But in my opinion, not as ridiculous as thinking that my removing all images, appearances, and reminders of someone will ever remove them from your memory or a part of your life.
DYE
No, not die… like “drop dead”, but dye as in a colored dye, an ink, dying something. (This is particularly relevant to me today).
As you all should know, I have 2 tattoos. One on my right ankle, that’s 4 years old this month. And one on my left forearm that’s 5 month old today, to be exact. Each time I get a tattoo, I have gotten a different reaction. When I got my first tat, some people got flat out mad, others got concerned that I was becoming some strange tattooed rebel. Getting my second tat, because of the timing I think, make people saw it as a “F**k (insert my ex’s name here)” tattoo. Which was certainly not the case… or was it?
Starting a few months ago, I began dying my hair… and I’m not talking a few highlights to embellish my blond… I’m talking full on color change. I went RED. And I love it! It gives me a whole different look and almost a different personality at times.
This seems to be my way of dealing… maybe I don’t go through like a tornado and remove every track of you, but I’ll change myself. Becoming another side of me that hasn’t come to the surface in a long time, if ever. I’m tempted to say I’m obsessed with both. For someone who never thought they’d get a tattoo, and after my first had no desire for another, I have ideas for several more. Will I get them? Maybe. Anytime soon? Probably not… but I’ll think about it as I’m laying in bed or folding towels at work. As for the hair- that’s sticking around for a while. This is the second time I’ve done it in this color pallet. Sure, it’s expensive and then I have to keep it nice, but if I’m not with anyone, who am I going to pamper if not myself?
DECISION
This was not the word I originally had in my list. If came about tonight, while I was writing and I think it’s better then “Dilemma” that I had at first.
I feel like I’m faced with a decision to make, not so much facing a dilemma.
A few weeks ago I was a mess. I was exhausted all the time. I was sour and easily irritated. I didn’t mean to be and I was not able to pin point one thing that had triggered these feelings. And it was getting bad- things at work were starting to slip, I wasn’t eating right, and relationships were being pushed. I knew I didn’t want to feel as I did, but I felt like because I didn’t know why, I really couldn’t do anything about it. Just give it some time and hope thing changed, for the better.
It wasn’t until earlier this week that it was brought to my attention that I seemed happier, more energetic, and looked a lot better. This hit me, and I realized I wasn’t forcing anything. I actually felt… feel… good! I feel happy and am enjoying what I’m doing. I’m taking time for myself and not feeling guilty about it. I’m enjoying the time I have with friends and co-workers instead of dwelling to much on the past and the people I miss. Sure, maybe I still beat myself up a little for hurting someone and not being able to change my ways soon enough. But I hope I’m making decisions that will make me happy and in that, show that I’m not a horrible person.
Is it a decision to be happy? Yes. I believe it is, same as it’s a decision to change ones hair color, or have our skin injected with ink, or to go through months of photographs removing only certain ones. Maybe not always a conscious decisions like some of the other examples, but a decision none the less. As I’ve come to find, the decisions that lead to making one person happy will not always make others feel the same way. We do so many things as a way of self preservation.
What do I want you to “get” fro this post, I honestly don’t even know. I wrote it as a place to put these thoughts that have come together in my mind. Perhaps, if you’ve been in a similar situation, you can relate. Let me know.
Like, share, comment, the usual.
lovealways, Christiane
NYC- living in Dreams 